Me, working from home and feeling a bit lost: the neighbours have kids… I guess I’ll write them a card that we could help out with shopping and stuff? that’s not invasive, right?
My husband, pretty much the only one still allowed to go to the university to run his data experiments in a deserted building: COLLEAGUES, FRIENDS, COUNTRYMEN,give! me! your plants!
My husband is proud to announce that he is now the caretaker of 127 plants
blobber looks at me and asks, “chef, what’s your signature dish?”
i take a deep breath and holler, “knucklesandwich!” and i just deck him in the mouth. he goes down hard. the studio audience screams in celebration. alex guarnaschelli stands and shakes my hand.
i look into the camera and kiss my knuckles. “i just beat bobby flay.”
why come they called him “beast” in the castle when everyone knew his name cuz they’d been working for him forever anyway? like …. i would just be like “hey chewbacca-Adam” or some shit, there’s no reason to call him beast … id hide in my room all day too if my employees started making fun of me..
If my manager decided to pull some rude ass shit with a witch and got me living the next ten years of my life as an immortal singing toaster oven you can bet your ass I’d wake him up every goddamn morning with a flaming panini directly to the face. rise and shine, you ugly fuck, time hear a song
I call this one, “ode to an inconsiderate pissbaby” and the first 9 verses are just me screaming at various decibels
